American Gladiators (like Jordan on the Wizards)
Remember this guy?
(Suckas wear helmets, only)
From THIS SHOW
(you blow guns, I blow cartridges)
Hosted by THIS GUY YOU VAGUELY REMEMBER
(what did he do before and after this? for ALL the points)
AND DIS type...
(simply insert joke)
I didn't just watch American Gladiators. I idolized it, in ways god-fearing folks shouldn't idolize anything. I had the toys. Me and my friends played JOUST with broom sticks (which is not smart). Between our yards we would make obstacle courses of treachery and call it the Eliminator. We had no treadmills...we weren't man enough. This was American Gladiators. A pastime JUST ABOVE BOXING and RIGHT BELOW WWF and WCW.
THEY HAD ICE CREAM BARS!!!
Naturally, when something like this leaves, we are crippled as a people. So when I heard it was coming back, I was elated. Geeked even, I programmed my dvr to record every second of the Gods of Foam Padding. AND THEN,
Hulk Hogan, Laila Ali, and the NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS.
I mean, the show is terrible, plain and simple. I have a list of problems:
It's corny and emotional (with like, extra emotion and background stories, crying and such)
They TALK TOO MUCH (gladiators don't speak, period)
There are injury reports (the old show's remedy was simple: don't get injured)
Hulk Hogan is Charisma locked in jail for 10 years
Laila Ali..."Oh No You Didn't"...exactly
The Eliminator is awful (treadmills belong at the beginning)
It's TOO SAFE (the ref actually stopped a match; there are neck protectors)
These are fixable. MY ULTIMATE CONCERN is NOT...
GLADIATOR NAMES.
The old gladiators were named Nitro, Gemini, Malibu, Ice, such...cool names. Simple. They struck fear...These new "gladiators" are trying too hard.
WOLF actually acts like a wolf (he howls!!!)
SAMOA is...from American Samoa (maybe)
It's not that these names aren't fitting, because they are VERY much so...they just don't intimidate me. I'm not scared. If you want to scare us, which NBC programming constantly does, allow me to suggest some names:
"Abyss"
"Steel"
"Lava"
"Vanquish"
or better
"Bush"
"Stolen Identity"
"The Auditor"
"Baby Momma"
Things you never want to experience again, like "Soprano's Last Episode" or "Slavery"
Big fat woman gladiator named "Spam" or "FWD: FWD: Ghetto Wedding"
Things that make you cringe AT THE THOUGHT of being involved:
A gladiator named "To Catch a Predator"
"Tazer" is a GREAT NAME for a gladiator
To the Gladiators: If your name doesn't inspire fear, you are a waste...think about what you hate
For me, if I see a gladiator named "Caller ID: 800-----" I'M HORRIFIED OF YOU
Let me stop here. What do YOU think about the new show, and what is the PERFECT NAME FOR A GLADIATOR???
(we can all have a little fun right? comment, but remember: We keep a swear jar around here)
(Suckas wear helmets, only)
(you blow guns, I blow cartridges)Hosted by THIS GUY YOU VAGUELY REMEMBER
(what did he do before and after this? for ALL the points)
(simply insert joke)THEY HAD ICE CREAM BARS!!!
Naturally, when something like this leaves, we are crippled as a people. So when I heard it was coming back, I was elated. Geeked even, I programmed my dvr to record every second of the Gods of Foam Padding. AND THEN,Hulk Hogan, Laila Ali, and the NEW AMERICAN GLADIATORS.
I mean, the show is terrible, plain and simple. I have a list of problems:
It's corny and emotional (with like, extra emotion and background stories, crying and such)
They TALK TOO MUCH (gladiators don't speak, period)
There are injury reports (the old show's remedy was simple: don't get injured)
Hulk Hogan is Charisma locked in jail for 10 years
Laila Ali..."Oh No You Didn't"...exactly
The Eliminator is awful (treadmills belong at the beginning)
It's TOO SAFE (the ref actually stopped a match; there are neck protectors)
These are fixable. MY ULTIMATE CONCERN is NOT...
GLADIATOR NAMES.
The old gladiators were named Nitro, Gemini, Malibu, Ice, such...cool names. Simple. They struck fear...These new "gladiators" are trying too hard.
WOLF actually acts like a wolf (he howls!!!)
SAMOA is...from American Samoa (maybe)
It's not that these names aren't fitting, because they are VERY much so...they just don't intimidate me. I'm not scared. If you want to scare us, which NBC programming constantly does, allow me to suggest some names:
"Abyss"
"Steel"
"Lava"
"Vanquish"
or better
"Bush"
"Stolen Identity"
"The Auditor"
"Baby Momma"
Things you never want to experience again, like "Soprano's Last Episode" or "Slavery"
Big fat woman gladiator named "Spam" or "FWD: FWD: Ghetto Wedding"
Things that make you cringe AT THE THOUGHT of being involved:
A gladiator named "To Catch a Predator"
"Tazer" is a GREAT NAME for a gladiator
To the Gladiators: If your name doesn't inspire fear, you are a waste...think about what you hate
For me, if I see a gladiator named "Caller ID: 800-----" I'M HORRIFIED OF YOU
Let me stop here. What do YOU think about the new show, and what is the PERFECT NAME FOR A GLADIATOR???
(we can all have a little fun right? comment, but remember: We keep a swear jar around here)
posted by CaesarKwest at
8:42 PM
1 Comments:
I have seen the new American Gladiators...and it does suck. Even though Layla Ali looks better than Larry Czonka, it isn't enough to hold my attention. Plus, you'd think that they would've designed something new besides putting a pool of water with fire on the top of the Eliminator...and the dude that looks like Busta Rhymes is mad scary...
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