"Something Hapened" (on Insecurity)

There's an interesting conversation happening right now on Twitter between three friends of mine. It's about insecurity. Where does it come from? Who's fault is it? How do two partners negotiate that? How can it destroy a relationship?

Because it does. Often more than the ill-communication and suspicious movings - or blatant acts of betrayal - come the deep insecurities that are uncovered by those we love most. I'll tell you two stories. Two angles. Two truths.

"I was 13 and my mother and I had just moved into our new apartment. Never had we spent so much time together. Never had she had the opportunity to pour into her son whatever God had given her as a mother. For a curious and energetic young mind like mine, she quickly became a safe and authentic confidant. One day - or over the course of many days, as teeth were falling and moving and shifting (per adolescence) - I was brushing my teeth in the mirror. And I'll never forget this. Just as I was smiling to ensure last night's meal was all gone, my mother came into the bathroom. She had been watching me from the hallway. I said to her, 'It'll be time to get braces soon.' And she said, lovingly but most unfortunately, 'Yeah, you're starting to look like a little monster,' and raised her hands above me like a hovering Frankenstein. She was joking, obviously, but I ran into my room and shut the door, crying and crying. That messed me up for years."

I eventually got braces, and surgery, and whitenings, and the greatest compliment anyone can ever give me is on my smile, but for years I was destroyed. There was not one day in high school I felt good about how I looked. Not one. I changed my look as often as possible, even dyed my hair platinum blonde, just to find something that I would like when I looked in the mirror. But the devastating moment had come and laid its sickle.

Some argue that insecurity has its source in situations and other people. The story above seems to fit. But I tell you: long before my mother came into the bathroom I had know my teeth were a mess. They weren't right. I just didn't feel bad about it until she said something. There are things about us that we KNOW aren't right. Face it, you KNOW you are overweight and you need to quit blaming and complaining and putting off and EXERCISE. But there's something about when someone you love points it out. "A couple of extra pounds there, huh?" That NEVER helps.

My fiance did this to me a couple of times while we were still dating, as I was battling a heart condition and had more than enough stress to legitimize my frequent weight fluctuation. But every time she said it a part of me went back to that moment in the bathroom.

What are they supposed to do, LIE TO US?

If something's wrong, I expect my closest people to tell me. The embarrassment of bad breath is cured by a close patron's easy sliding of Dentyne Winter Ice. I appreciate most a sermon critique from my father. And those stretch marks and extra moles on my back I would never know about had it not been for my loving partner.

A part of our ego dies when the people we love most tell us the truth. Maybe that's what Insecurity is: On the deathbed of the ego, its last dying wish is to exist naively.

The problem is when folks tell you something about yourself, NOT to assuage a more holistic lifestyle for you, but to burst your bubble. And that's a problem. Ultimately, my mother wanted her son to be as beautiful on the outside as in spirit. But she too has her brokenness, and broken people don't always say what we feel the right way. Lord knows I have erred often in love.

But our insecurity is not all their fault. We the insecure (YOU) fish for compliments when we have not earned them.

We blame our self-hate on words that someone else has spoken, though we felt them ourselves long ago.

We, the miserable and imperfect, love company, and point out imperfections (perhaps our own) in others. Some call it being a hater. I call it lacking the courage to love.

THE POINT: Some of us need to stop blaming others, check ourselves, and do some work. If you don't like it, FIX IT, but if someone is not loving you along this process, check them.

Something happened. Something is happening. Often a full-security in one's self is merely a well-dressed naivete or a deceptive arrogance. We are all works in progress. Be patient with those who reveal what you have already known.