Ministry & Fight Club

First, read this article about churches taking on fight clubs as ministries

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/10033/1032813-84.stm

Then, laugh. Because that's what I did.

It reminds me of something Mark Driscoll (I believe it was him, I could be wrong. Google him too though. He's a character) said about people following a Jesus that was a "wimpy vegetarian who wore sandals and drank decaf." I'm guessing he meant that in the pejorative sense. Instead, the solution is to pump up this notion of Jesus who was a MAN'S MAN. A Jesus who watches (and bets on) the Super Bowl, and puts his muddy boots on your couch. A Jesus who doesn't make sandwiches, because we've got women for that.

And they always have the same reasons...

1. "Because men are the head of the household." What that has to do with the price of tea in China I'm not sure, but I'm guessing real men don't drink tea. They drink MONSTER ENERGY and double shots. And they put each other in a head lock on Tuesday nights.

2. "Fighting in real life is like fighting with faith." Riiiight...because you were born yesterday and don't know about metaphors yet. I'm guessing you think the biblical authors didn't either...

So the author of Hebrews really wants me to run a race! Yes!

3. "Because we want to make Christianity more appealing." It's not a video game. It's a lifestyle. And some folks just ain't going, no matter how glossy you make it. At its core Christianity is about having a faith that can suspend reality...rather, negotiate it to create and sustain hope in situations where hope doesn't exist. That's what it means to FIGHT. And if you want a puncher's chance in life, it's gotta happen OUTSIDE the Octagon.

Our churches have got to stop laying in bed so naively with a culture that doesn't care about church. Not to say we avoid culture altogether, but there's got to be some middle ground where we integrate certain cultural practices while critiquing others (I would hate for you to miss a glaring reference and commercial for H. Richard Niebuhr's "Christ and Culture" here). This blind acceptance of whatever's COOL is not making "warriors" for Christ (as the Evangelicals have always hoped) or even good Christians.

Or Christians even.

We're just making folks who fight and go to church. We already got folks who go to church and fight.

I like that my Jesus maintains the sort of peace that can accept whatever God's will is for him (including death). I like a Jesus who won't fight back with instigators. I like a Jesus who does his job regardless of who accepts him or not. I like a Jesus who, instead of telling his disciples (who included women), "I AM BETTER THAN YOU" (It's me baby! Jesus!), he told them "You will do far greater than me." I like a Jesus who fights with his heart, his mind, and his will - not with his fists. I like a Jesus who loves.

Even if he wears thong sandals and listens to Pat Matheny records.

What do you think about this?

"What Just Happened?" (Pt. 3 on Insecurity)

Unless you're an artist or a fascist dictator (or both), your deepest insecurities probably don't show their face anywhere besides your relationship, where you should probably feel the most secure. I appreciate a great irony.

I've been dating women for 13 years now, foolishly for most of them, seriously only in the past few, and I make my next statement with utter certainty...

Every problem I've EVER had in a relationship has dealt directly either with MY insecurity or HERS. Period.

I'm either mad about SHE feels about herself, or mad about how I feel about myself.

If I've ever even looked at another woman, it's because looking at HER has become exhausting. I mean, SHE won't even look at herself! Why should I?

If HE cheats, perhaps his ego has told him he can have whatever he wants, and he better do it now before he can NEVER DO IT AGAIN. Insecure about one's future maybe?

If SHE has become quiet and defensive, perhaps she is uncomfortable sharing what exists so deeply and truly inside of her? The ego is so monstrous that it believes the only thing that can help it is ITSELF.

Why are we defensive? Because we are insecure. In the past two posts I have told stories. I like my life, so I'll hold the PERFECT illustration here. Maybe you can share one. How about something all men deal with?

"She got mad because I told her she was getting big. But she told me don't lie to her. But when I told her the truth, she got mad. (insert expletive here)"

For good reason. Insecurity. We don't want the truth. We want to be loved in the midst of a truth we already know. Not, "yeah, you're fat" but "Yeah, you can see yourself you've put on a few, but it's nothing you can't take care of. Want me to help?"

Advice: Saying "You can see for yourself" helps people tell their own truth. Never co-sign ("yeah, you're family is JACKED UP" or "Dag"). DAG NEVER WORKS for ANYTHING. I've had some unfortunate exchanges that started with "Dag."

Here's how all arguments END, and I tell you this so you can avoid the argument altogether and just have good communication:

1. Content of Argument: "Blah.Blah.Blah"
2. Response from participatory party: "I'm Sick of this"
3. Some amount of SPACE, proverbial or literal, occurs here for minutes, days, weeks, or months. It's up to how antsy you are. If you rush back in before step 4, return to step 1.
4. REFLECTION (by at least one party).
5. Reconciliation: "You know, I was wrong" (never, EVER, try to reconcile by saying "You know, YOU WERE WRONG but..." (also, experience)

The Reconciliation ALWAYS has two facets: an admission of guilt ("sorry I bust the windows out your car") and a reason ("I thought your therapist was your mistress"). Put those sorrys in a sack and listen closely to the reason. There's always a "I thought that..." or "I was worried that..." or "I figured that..." in there. Insecurity.

I once got mad at a woman because I wrote letters by hand and she never responded with letters by hand (or at all sometimes). Did we argue? Higgity yes. But not because I wasn't getting an eye for an eye. After I reflected, it was because "I was worried that..." (see what just happened there?) our communication over time would be unequal and we would grow apart from one another. From there, we discussed ways in which we can better communicate, personal preferences, all that crap, and the argument was complete.

Do your partner a favor: when something bothers you, skip steps 1-3 and try to find out what about this situation makes you insecure. Reconcile before the fight.

If in your honesty and vulnerability (it is a relationship right?) they act carelessly or insensitively, MOVE BACKWARDS to step 3 (Create Space), and if they don't respond...by all means give them TWO PIECES OF YOUR MIND and their walking papers. This ain't tough (even an All-Star has been cut before).

It's about the interplay between two broken people. Ever left an argument saying, "What just happened?" Hurt people hurt people. But if we love we forgive, we are patient, and we hope the best for this person (even if the best requires your absence).

Tick. Tick...

"Something Didn't Happen" (Pt. 2 on Insecurity)

The first fodder was about insecurities we all have that arise from situations and people that HAPPEN in our lives. The curious exchange of brokenness to brokenness often results in...well...more brokenness.

I promised a second story. A second angle. A second truth.

"I've always done well in school. But I've never known I was smart. I would bring home straight A's and the 'rents would say, 'Congratulations! See what hard work gets you?' That was how I thought of it. Whether I was smart or not didn't matter if I worked hard enough. I've always wanted the best. So I just worked for straight A's. Through high school. Through Morehouse. Through every honor society that exists. I struggled early at University of Chicago. Hard work wasn't equating to retention of knowledge. I was getting juicy A's but couldn't remember anything I had studied. Others in my cohort seemed more adept and agile with their reasoning and critical thought. They had read and remembered more. Had something happened, or was I NOT SMART ENOUGH? This is what I thought. I reflected through my education, everything, and it became clear: I've never thought of myself as smart anyway! In my mind I've never been the brightest bulb, just the hardest worker. So now that it had come time to display confidence in one's own thought (which a master's requires) I realized that I had NONE. What happened?

Nothing happened. No one told me to have such confidence. No one told me I was smart, not in any way I can remember. No one reinforced anything in me. They simply pushed me to work harder. It was no fault of their own (who knows to do this?), but I had lived my whole life with little confidence and great INSECURITY about my ability to think."

What happened? Nothing. And I have no one to blame. It simply came about that when it came time to tap into my confidence, I had no reservoir. It may do our society a bit of good to encourage and uplift one another every once in a while. Not to congratulate for something that has been done, but to acknowledge something that simply EXISTS.

How often do we thank God for something done? All the time.

How often do we come into prayer simply and ONLY to acknowledge God as being...GOD? Rarely. Regardless of our faith, we usually approach God only to thank it for the past, present, and ask for a better future. But I digress, for God is not insecure. This would make God ungodly.

Security is about BEING, not Circumstance. Security is not about what you have done but who you have become. WHAT YOU ARE deserves mentioning. I have been fretting about my thesis lately, because frankly, I don't think I'm smart enough to pull this off. Seriously. Blessed with great self-awareness does not always mean you'll be right about what you come up with. My advisor told me this plainly a few weeks ago: "For some reason you've decided you're not smart. That's not true. You're very bright and you're going to easily pull this off, if you can GET OVER YOURSELF first."

Get over yourself. My favorite phrase in life, and this woman conjured it up without knowing, so that I could get over myself.

It wasn't about something that happen, but something that didn't happen. A neglect, not to recognize what has happened, but to recognize what exists ontologically (as a matter of fact), though it has not happened yet.

Many of us are insecure not because something has happened, but because nothing happened. We need to take time in the busy HAPPENINGS of life to acknowledge what God has made plainly in us. We are fearful and wonderful. Unique and beautiful. Great without great things. Excellent without any proof. You are the proof of God's excellence. You are excellent because you ARE.

Many of us need to get over what hasn't happened, and find beauty in ourselves, even though no one told us. Find confidence in ourselves without lying to ourselves about who we are (ahem, plastic surgery, cheating on tests, shopping waaaay too much). Make peace with what we have no control over. You're smart. You're handsome. *In Pharrell's voice* "You're Bad Girl." Some things about you aren't perfect. Nothing is. Embrace it. Fix what you can. Love what God has made, lest you insult God's supreme intelligence.

Many of us need to start encouraging our friends more. We are all struggling, and in uncovering our own selves from this great HAPPENING called Life, we need to remind our closest loved ones that there are beautiful things inside of them too. I have great artists around me who need to know they are geniuses, not because of any of their work. Some woman around you needs to know she is beautiful, not because she is wearing something that inspires the comment. Moreover, some man needs to know that, sure, you've put on a few lbs, or let go of yourself in some other way, but you're STRONG enough to conquer it and YOU are here to see them through it.

If they want to go on with being insecure after that, that's THEIR problem. Some people just like to feel sorry for themselves, (and you should feel sorry for them). At least now they can't say NOTHING happened.

"Something Hapened" (on Insecurity)

There's an interesting conversation happening right now on Twitter between three friends of mine. It's about insecurity. Where does it come from? Who's fault is it? How do two partners negotiate that? How can it destroy a relationship?

Because it does. Often more than the ill-communication and suspicious movings - or blatant acts of betrayal - come the deep insecurities that are uncovered by those we love most. I'll tell you two stories. Two angles. Two truths.

"I was 13 and my mother and I had just moved into our new apartment. Never had we spent so much time together. Never had she had the opportunity to pour into her son whatever God had given her as a mother. For a curious and energetic young mind like mine, she quickly became a safe and authentic confidant. One day - or over the course of many days, as teeth were falling and moving and shifting (per adolescence) - I was brushing my teeth in the mirror. And I'll never forget this. Just as I was smiling to ensure last night's meal was all gone, my mother came into the bathroom. She had been watching me from the hallway. I said to her, 'It'll be time to get braces soon.' And she said, lovingly but most unfortunately, 'Yeah, you're starting to look like a little monster,' and raised her hands above me like a hovering Frankenstein. She was joking, obviously, but I ran into my room and shut the door, crying and crying. That messed me up for years."

I eventually got braces, and surgery, and whitenings, and the greatest compliment anyone can ever give me is on my smile, but for years I was destroyed. There was not one day in high school I felt good about how I looked. Not one. I changed my look as often as possible, even dyed my hair platinum blonde, just to find something that I would like when I looked in the mirror. But the devastating moment had come and laid its sickle.

Some argue that insecurity has its source in situations and other people. The story above seems to fit. But I tell you: long before my mother came into the bathroom I had know my teeth were a mess. They weren't right. I just didn't feel bad about it until she said something. There are things about us that we KNOW aren't right. Face it, you KNOW you are overweight and you need to quit blaming and complaining and putting off and EXERCISE. But there's something about when someone you love points it out. "A couple of extra pounds there, huh?" That NEVER helps.

My fiance did this to me a couple of times while we were still dating, as I was battling a heart condition and had more than enough stress to legitimize my frequent weight fluctuation. But every time she said it a part of me went back to that moment in the bathroom.

What are they supposed to do, LIE TO US?

If something's wrong, I expect my closest people to tell me. The embarrassment of bad breath is cured by a close patron's easy sliding of Dentyne Winter Ice. I appreciate most a sermon critique from my father. And those stretch marks and extra moles on my back I would never know about had it not been for my loving partner.

A part of our ego dies when the people we love most tell us the truth. Maybe that's what Insecurity is: On the deathbed of the ego, its last dying wish is to exist naively.

The problem is when folks tell you something about yourself, NOT to assuage a more holistic lifestyle for you, but to burst your bubble. And that's a problem. Ultimately, my mother wanted her son to be as beautiful on the outside as in spirit. But she too has her brokenness, and broken people don't always say what we feel the right way. Lord knows I have erred often in love.

But our insecurity is not all their fault. We the insecure (YOU) fish for compliments when we have not earned them.

We blame our self-hate on words that someone else has spoken, though we felt them ourselves long ago.

We, the miserable and imperfect, love company, and point out imperfections (perhaps our own) in others. Some call it being a hater. I call it lacking the courage to love.

THE POINT: Some of us need to stop blaming others, check ourselves, and do some work. If you don't like it, FIX IT, but if someone is not loving you along this process, check them.

Something happened. Something is happening. Often a full-security in one's self is merely a well-dressed naivete or a deceptive arrogance. We are all works in progress. Be patient with those who reveal what you have already known.

Verbal Kwest - "Christmas Time"

Just in time for your "Sleigh Ride" playlist. We did a Christmas song. It's not corny. Quality Control actually likes it. So enjoy. And it's free. So GIVE IT TO EVERYONE.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD "CHRISTMAS TIME"

Christmas Spirit

Does this song really need a 12" dance version? Maybe not, but you're ready for Christmas now aren't you? This is EASILY my favorite Christmas song. Just wanted to share.

I know it's been tough for me to get into the spirit, and this weekend while chilling with @thewholehood we all started singing this song. Now I'm ready. I pray you are getting the rest you need, body and spirit, and getting ready for 2010. It's been a REAL 2009 for all of us. Just enjoy these next few days. ENJOY!

Jin-gle Bells...Jin-gle Bells...Santa's Coming!!! (white dude in the back "Santa Clause")

On another note: this song is proof that if you got a groove (and naturally, if it's undisturbed) that you can say ANYTHING. All future J.Kwest records will have 12" dance versions (even the sad ones)

Lov

P90X Wrap-Up (Video)

As promised...let me know how I can help you get started.